Confession is good for the soul....

...that's what they say, anyway. I have been thinking a lot about confession lately. I have decided to get a few things off my chest. Here goes...

 

I am a fraud

 

A characteristic that many people value these days is AUTHENTICITY. So, in an effort to be authentic, I have come up with a list of disclaimers, if you will, about myself. Ok, you got me, they are actually confessions. Confessions which will "out" the imperfections of this perfectionist. Confessions, to be honest, which have been "a long time a-comin,' " if ya know what I mean.

Now, these confessions of mine may not surprise you in the least. Or you may be surprised by my need to confess some of them. You might be scratching your head, thinking, "Does she really think she has us fooled on THAT one?"

Anyway, here I go.

 

I live a double life. The Jessica I project to everyone isn't the Jessica I feel like on the inside. You know that little kid inside of each of us who tries to come out every once in a while? Most of the time, Little Jessica is how I see myself. See for yourself:

I don't want to get out of bed when I am tired. I don't want to fix lunches for the kids when I am lazy. I don't want to get on the elliptical because I hate exercise. I don't want to clean the house and wash the dishes when I will have to do it again in 2.7 minutes.

I yell at my kids. I harbor anger and bitterness. I am mean, ugly, and hateful sometimes.

I want to run away sometimes. I want to throw up my hands and give up. I want to stomp around like my four-year-old until I get my own way.

I want money to grow on trees and budgets to not exist. I don't want to eat healthy food, it doesn't taste as good as chocolate.

I want to cry when people hurt my feelings and make them hurt, too. I want to say "So THERE!" And push back when people push me. Little Jessica is very, very good at all of this. Good at tantrums, good at whining, good at being spoiled and selfish and self-absorbed.

BUT...

Well, here's the thing. I was reading this letter that was written a couple thousands of years ago. It's a letter to a group of people called the Phillipians from the apostle Paul. But I think God must have told him about me, too.

You wanna know WHY I think Paul must've known about me? Here's part of what he said:

(Chapter 2: 14)"Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life."

Little Jessica is very good at grumbling and complaining, stomping her feet and pouting. So, Paul says that Christians should not act this way. OK, ok. I know that. I do...it's just so EASY to act like a child, to revert back to my childish, immature ways...

So later Paul writes,  (Chapter 3:13) "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

God wants us to leave our childish ways behind us, to grow stronger.

Then, oh, THEN! Paul has the nerve to say this: ^15" All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things."

Sigh, Paul. Really? You're going to throw the MATURE word around?! Little Jessica doesn't like it one little bit.

I suppose that's the whole point...we need to grow up. We need to grow up spiritually. All of those "confessions" point to one main issue: Spiritual immaturity. Laziness, greed, gluttony are all sins which need to be addressed, confronted, and repentance needs to be made.

Little Jessica needs to grow up. I need to seriously examine my heart and my mind and take care of the sins in my life so that I may be like a "shining star" in the universe....so that God may be glorified by the life I lead, publicly and otherwise.

¹⁵ "All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things." Amen.

Light bulb moment

Today I have been rather contemplative for some reason. Very introspective, and on the edge of my emotions. I am not at all sure what that is about. I've been thinking a lot about this "ministry" thing God has called me to, and wondering exactly what He is leading me to do, here at church and in my life generally.

Ohmygoodness. It's been a long time since I have had something "hit" me so hard it felt tangible.

"What about the ministry of being a wife and mom?" I could almost hear it, as well. "How about you show My love to your family?" God was saying to me.

Duh. Really? How could I have missed this? Or maybe I knew it once and forgot? I'm not that dumb, right?

So, here's the plan. I am going to keep thinking about this and pray about it. Prayer's a good place to start, probably...definitely. There are ways for me to minister to my family and God is ready to show them to me. One thing I already know: some serious self-sacrificing is going to be happening. Putting myself aside for the interests of my hubby and kiddos....

I think it's going to be interesting. I'm a rather selfish person...ya know? I like my evenings with my laptop and my iced coffee, sitting with my hubby while he watches TV. Sometimes one of my kids needs me (you know, NEEDS me) and I brush them aside. Maybe that's a good place to start....ya think?

So here I embark on the ministry of family...care to join me?

What do we really know? A soapbox confessional

I was recently reading an article on marriage and then, coincidentally a blog entry on marriage as well. They both had to do with resolving conflict and communication issues.

And, to be honest, both of them made me mad. Oh, the irony.

There seems to be an assumption that in marriage, there is a rule book with a list of rules that everyone "knows" and, gasp, actually follows. There has somehow become, I believe, in our culture of Christian marriage, this idea that because we are Christians, each of us can always treat our spouses well. The expectation, as laid out in scripture, is to love each other as Christ loves us.

In a perfect world, I suppose this ideal would work. What seems to be forgotten is that there is no perfect world, perfect marriage, perfect people. The articles and "how-to" guides sometimes seem self-righteous.

After almost 16 years of marrriage here are few truths I have discovered:

~Maybe marriage....maybe it's not always about being happy....but doing what's right...what God calls you to do. Fulfill the commitment you made to your spouse and to Him.

~Conflict resolution...? Sometimes there is no resolution. Sometimes it just "is what it is," and you and your spouse accept that about each other and move on in order to forgive the seventy-times-seven times as Jesus asks. I don't want to fail. But I know I will at times.

 

~All the communication techniques are useless sometimes. There is there is no technique to work out humanity at its worst: the times we are selfish, self-absorbed, immature and worldly. There is only GOD. There is only God working in us and through us, to love each other sacrificially. To give when there is nothing left within us to give. To serve even though every fiber of ourself wants to run away.

 

GOD. The author of marriage...the only one who can really make a difference in mine. And in yours. Don't get me wrong. I love books on marriage, I love marriage conferences, I love advice from friends. But at the end of the day, the thing that saves my marriage? Me, on my knees, asking God to help me be the wife He created me to be.

The Path to Contentment?

Our family devo the other night was about contentment. It made me think about myself. I admit, I am not setting a very good example in this department.

At the mall the other day (for a youth ministry meeting, no less) I was doing a little people-watching before the meeting started. And I noticed something: my eyes were drawn to all the moms with little ones. Wait, let me take that back: my eyes were drawn LONGINGLY to all the moms with little ones. There they were: enjoying a day of shopping and then eating at the food court. The kids were eating their kids' meals, the moms were visiting amongst themselves, the babies were sleeping soundly in strollers and slings and laps. It was one of those "motherhood moments" when you are taken back to the days when you were there.

And then I snapped myself back into reality. Three years ago, after eleven years of being a stay-at-home mom, I re-entered the workforce full-time. It was a conscious decision, not necessarily made out of financial need, but out of a need for sanity. The monotony and routine and mommy-ness of life was too much; I had given and given and given of myself...it was time for a change.

I remember when I WAS one of those moms at the mall. I would look LONGINGLY at the business women and professionals. How blessed they were! Not "stuck at home" with babies and toddlers. Out and about in the world, having lunch, wearing glamorous clothes and carrying designer bags.

Can you say "the grass is always greener....?"

Tonight, these words were running through my mind: "Godliness with contentment is great gain." Huh? What'd you say, there, God? Between Bub's basketball practice and Sophie's gymnastics class, I kept hearing it: "Godliness with contentment is great gain." (should I mention it is a small miracle that I even heard it over four kids' noise in the car?)

So, after all the pick-ups and drop-offs, I came back to the church and looked up the passage. Here it is in its entirety:

1Timothy 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷ For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸ But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ⁹ Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. ¹⁰ For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.  ¹¹ But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

OK, then, Mr. Apostle Paul. So you're saying if I pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness, contentment will follow? But if I want to "get rich" (however that may look) I will fall into temptation and entrapment?

Godliness with contentment obviously looks vastly different than my heart right now. God is telling me to pursue these other virtues more than money or self-centered desires.

Righteousness: Am I quick to esteem honesty and integrity over sinful desires?

Godliness: Is Christ my sole role model?

Faith: Is that which is "unseen" my foundation, my trust, my hope? Or am I relying on that which is tangible?

Love: Do I choose to be last rather than first with my family, children, friends, and loved ones? Do I make OTHERS my priority, or myself?

Endurance: Ugh, this is a tough one...when the going gets tough, well, I like to throw up my hands! The Apostle Paul also told us to "Run with ENDURANCE this race (the Christian life) before us...." Do I push on when I feel like giving up? Do I keep going when quitting would be easier?

Gentleness: Ahhhh, gentleness. It's an attribute that all mothers, church workers, faith leaders, PEOPLE should embrace. Gentleness....are my words tempered with kindness and softness? Is my touch welcoming, warm, embracing?

I am choosing to make a conscious effort to embrace these virtues in this season of my life. Maybe next time I am wistfully looking at a momma and her baby, I can remember with joy my own babies, while celebrating the very godly young people they are becoming. And HOPEFULLY, PRAYERFULLY, I can help instill in them the value of godliness with contentment.

In Him,
Jessica